Forgiveness – What Does it Mean?
What does it mean to forgive someone? Webster’s Dictionary has several definitions for this verb. Most of the explanations are centered on “stopping” a feeling of anger, resentment, or a claim to requital (fancy word for retaliation, retribution or compensation) for an offensive act committed against you. To forgive also means to stop blaming someone for an offending act, as well as to stop payment on something owed, i.e., forgiving a debt.
On the surface, these definitions for the term “forgive” appear dispassionate and sterile, in the sense that the act of forgiving most assuredly has human emotions tied to it. Our human responses range from insignificant to very raw, dramatic, and sometimes, even life changing.
Forgiveness – the Life Changing Event
For now, I’d like to focus solely on the “life changing” aspect of forgiving. Can the act of forgiving change someone’s life? Will the person doing the forgiving or the person receiving the forgiveness have their life changed? Or is it possible that both lives will change?
I believe forgiveness is a two-sided coin. In other words, both parties are impacted by the forgiving act or lack of offering forgiveness, i.e., unforgiveness. Either way, both lives will be affected. Just like a coin, even life has two sides and we must accept each with grace.
The real issue here is that in today’s secular world, human willingness to forgive is not an intrinsic trait. Even though in early childhood the conscience begins to form and the knowledge of right and wrong develops, the desire to forgive must be taught and nurtured to reach its maximum capability and effectiveness.
For example, I was taught that forgiveness came from God via my weekly meeting with the parish priest in the confessional box. That was the mindset during my childhood days in the 1960s. On the rare occurrence when I hit one of my brothers (honest Mom, it was just a tap), Mom or Dad would say, “Now Jerry, say you’re sorry”. To which I reluctantly complied to remove the threat of retribution on me. Did I really mean it? – Maybe, maybe not. But I don’t recall my brother ever saying, “I forgive you”. I just took it for granted that he did.
There just wasn’t any emphasis in my family on outwardly displaying or voicing forgiveness. If you committed a hurtful or wrongful act, you said you were sorry and everyone moved on. After all these years of my life, I’m sure there may be some residual emotions in the heart of one or more of my siblings for me not uttering the words, “I forgive you” to bring closure to the offending event.
Forgiveness – the Two-Sided Event
Most perceive the act of forgiving to be a one-sided affair. But if you look deeper into the process, I believe you will find the act of forgiving is a two-sided event. Both people are impacted by the forgiving action, if and when it occurs. The operative word here is “if”.
The act of unforgiveness also plays a huge role in everyday life. What emotional trauma is imposed on the one seeking forgiveness, but never receives it? Regardless of the level of contriteness, the emotional scars will remain on both people’s hearts until forgiveness is rendered. Unforgiveness is not a state you want to remain in for any length of time. It stymies the mind, heart and soul from moving on in life and fulfilling God’s plan for you.
In the natural, forgiveness may have its limits. Let’s be honest, if a spouse, close friend, neighbor or co-worker does you wrong, which causes you hurt or embarrassment one time, most of you would be able to forgive them, right? Especially, if the offender says they are sorry. No problem, you can quickly move beyond the infraction this once. One and done, move on with your life, right?
But what if the same person does it again, and again? How many times would you be willing to forgive them and mean it? How long will you tolerate the cheating spouse, the jealous co-worker, the gossiping friend or neighbor, the bully at school or on the Internet, who continues to hurt you by their words and actions that makes your life miserable? How do you respond? Can you continue to forgive them? What will ever take that level of hurt away?
Forgiveness – Unceasing Love
In the Bible, we understand that in the time of Jesus, the custom was to forgive someone seven times. However, in the passage from Matthew 18:21-22, Peter confronts Jesus saying, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, NOT seven times, but seventy times seven”.
Here Jesus is saying we must forgive our brothers and sisters infinitely, just like God NEVER stops forgiving you. That’s what Jesus is driving at when he says “70 times 7”. Technically, it doesn’t mean that you’re finished with forgiving once you reach the 490th time of forgiving someone. Jesus was not giving Peter and the Apostles a mathematical equation, but moreover a new daily lifestyle to implement. As part of Jesus’ ministry, He was bringing a new covenant for all mankind. Old ways will not be required or continued in the new covenant. Forgiveness becomes a new rhythm of life. You NEVER stop forgiving others.
Forgiveness – Withheld
Is it not hypocritical of us to assume that God forgives our sins, but we don’t or won’t forgive others? Are we not rebelling against God’s directive to forgive others? In the “Lord’s Prayer”, we beseech God to forgive our offenses and express that likewise, we forgive others who commit offenses against us. And as such, God commands us to do the same for everyone else.
What makes it so hard for us to forgive others? Do we enjoy keeping the hurt feelings in our heart? The “…How could you….”; the burning feelings of betrayal? Can the passion and power of scorn, and the desire for payback directed at the offender ever be tamed? Why do you want to keep stoking the fire of drama in your life? Where’s the compassion for the other person?
How do you define forgiveness in your world of today? Can you really, freely and truly forgive someone else, some other person that has deliberately hurt you or a loved one? If so, how often do you forgive that person? Once and done?
Is that all it takes, just one “I forgive you” and the memory of the hurt will be wiped clean? Typically, that’s not the case, is it? Nope, we find it can take days, months, or years to finally complete the act of forgiving.
Does it also require the person to say they are sorry and seek forgiveness before you accept their apology and grant the forgiveness? Do you have feelings of guilt for maintaining the stance of “unforgiveness” no matter what the other person says?
If we choose to not forgive, and maintain unforgiveness in our heart, the bitter outbursts and silent resentments will escalate into an angry spirit that eats away at our very souls and will slam shut the door to our hearts. We will be chained to that offending act in our memory, which inhibits the hurt from being relinquished.
How many times have you heard “…I will NEVER forgive him or her for what they’ve done to me”? In today’s competitive environments, work places and the Internet, the greediness and get ahead no matter the cost, thrives on offending others in order to get ahead of the competition.
In addition, the daily deluge of information overload through the media seems to relish in their relentless pursuit of identifying the next biggest offender or the tragic episode of a victim’s life. Would you ever love someone else so much that you can forgive the other person’s behavior unconditionally?
Forgiveness – Agape Love
This unconditional acceptance runs contradictory to the conventional wisdom of today’s secular world, does it not? This unconditional acceptance is a form of Agape Love. Agape is a Greco-Christian term referring to love as, “the highest form of love,” and “the love of God for man and of man for God”. The Greek word Agape embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of the circumstance. In the natural element of mankind, as the highest form of love, it carries no judgment or manipulation. It carries no ego, or the need for ego gratification. True love is pure. It is deep, eternal, and it never dies.
When we love our brothers and sisters purely, as in Agape Love, there is no desire to “feed” the ego with retaliation, disdain, or revenge for the perpetrator of the offense. There is only compassion, understanding, acceptance and prayer.
When we truly understand and bring compassion to the situation there is no need for a formal apology. That is when we can love someone else purely and forgiveness can be applied unconditionally.
GOD IS LOVE and His love for all of us is reflected in Agape Love for everyone so He can and will forgive us our sins because he loves us unconditionally, no matter what the circumstances may be.
Forgiveness – A Two – Way Street for God
By our faith, we believe that we receive God’s forgiveness when we confess our sins. But we must also put our faith into practice by forgiving others as well. To paraphrase Paul in Colossians 3:13, “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.”
Forgiveness is the only choice to free your heart and leave the painful thoughts and destructions of the past behind. Don’t get stuck in the quicksand of unforgiveness. Be resolute in the knowledge that Jesus will be by your side, comfortingly and faithfully guiding you through the times of brokenness, hurt, and despair so you can move on in your life journey.
Dr. Charles Stanley’s recent In Touch daily devotional reminds us: “While resentment and anger seem justified when others fail us, we don’t have the right to withhold forgiveness. Regardless of the pain someone inflicted or the loneliness his or her absence caused, God’s expectation doesn’t change: We should forgive because Jesus forgave us.”
During this Lenten season, ask God to bless you with a full dose of Agape Love, and use it to forgive others and cast off the hurt, angst, anguish, distrust, betrayal, and desire for reprisal, by giving it to God for Him to resolve in His way and with His timing. Relish in that new feeling of freedom and release by letting it go forever.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave His only Son to come into this world, to save His people and bring eternal life to those who believe in Him.”
Live, Learn and Grow in Jesus.
Blessings,
Jerry
