With the start of Lent this past week in the Christian communities, we focus our attention on Easter, and the greatest act of forgiveness in the history of mankind. As I started to reflect on the coming weeks, my thoughts have settled on one question – “Why is forgiveness so difficult?” I mean, think about it, Jesus had to suffer and die to bestow forgiveness on all of mankind forever! Fortunately now that He has sacrificed His life for us, we don’t have to die to be forgiven of our sins.
Nonetheless, we still must acknowledge our sins, ask for forgiveness, repent, and believe we have been forgiven, and finally forgive ourselves as well to complete the full forgiveness process. It all sounds so easy, but forgiveness is one of the most complex and sometimes excruciating processes imposed upon the human psyche. Adding to the complexity, forgiveness is uniquely and deeply personal for each of us. As such, we all respond to the forgiveness process in different ways. Some people quickly forgive and get on with their lives, while others can take months or years, if ever, to forgive someone. The latter can lead to a lifetime of bitterness.
Delving deeper into my question, I believe forgiveness is difficult because it is not an inherent trait we are born with, but rather a learned behavior through socialization over time in our uniquely human environment. From the moment we begin to understand the difference between right and wrong, which is around the toddler age (18-24 months), the initial aspects of forgiveness are being laid into the foundation of the human psyche.
Learning the impact of one’s actions on another human being and our response helps to solidify and validate the rights and wrongs of human behavior and the intrinsic rules of interaction. As one early childhood professional put it, “a preschooler can be fighting with their classmate one minute, but the next minute be seen playing happily with them on the playground; i.e., all is forgiven from the past behavior.” However, maturing through adolescence and into adulthood, forgiveness becomes much more personal, complex, painful, and at times, heartwarmingly fulfilling.
So how much forgiveness is enough? In Matthew 18: 22, Jesus tells Peter how many times he must forgive his brother for being wronged, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” In essence, Jesus was telling his disciples that forgiveness is unlimited. You should be compassionate and forgive everyone all of the time, whether they ask for forgiveness or not. That is a tall order for sure. In the long run though, it’s not in your best interest to avoid practicing forgiveness that in-turn, could impose a heavier burden on yourself. The bottom-line from God’s perspective is that our willingness to forgive is in direct proportion to our remembrance of how much we have been forgiven. That is the most challenging aspect of forgiveness and also the most rewarding to the heart, mind and soul to find freedom and peace through forgiveness.
From his article, The Ancient Art of Forgiveness, Jack Kornfield explains, “Forgiveness includes all the dimensions of our life. Forgiveness is work of the body. It’s work of the emotions. It’s work of the mind. And it’s interpersonal work done through our relationships.” Somewhat similar to Mr. Kornfield’s definition, but from a Christian perspective, I believe forgiveness has three distinct facets; mental, emotional, and spiritual for both the offender and the offended. I see the common aspect of forgiveness is that is was born out of sin. It is the sinful act, whether intentional or not, that becomes the catalyst for bringing forgiveness to the forefront of our psyche and simultaneously demanding action.
From our mind’s perspective, we bear witness to the offender engaging in a behavior with their “eyes wide open” to their own desires that overrode their knowledge of right versus wrong. They put wisdom aside to entertain their selfish desires for that short period of bad behavior. They rationalized it in their mind-set for letting the caustic comment slip out of their mouths or hit “send” on the burn-the-bridge email full of emotions. They knew what they were doing subconsciously, but their conscious minds didn’t stop them. It was only after the grievance was committed that the offender realized the impact of their sin. For the offended person or the observer, their mind can’t believe what they just heard or read or witnessed that first offends their mind. That’s the empirical evidence captured by their mind and recorded in their memory. For most people, it leaves an indelible mark that is hard to erase. But we cannot let the trauma of the event define who we are or let it steal our joy. We have to learn to let go of the hurt.
From the realization of the sinful act, the mental aspect transitions to the emotional side for one and sometimes both people as well. Emotionally, the offended person is traumatized and feels figuratively like they have been punched in the gut so hard it knocks the air out of their lungs. The emotional cruelty is palpable for the offended. For the offender, it may not be as apparent regarding the impact of their actions or how they could be so hurtful. Ideally, we hope that remorse swells into the offender’s emotions and prompts them to offer a path to reconciliation for the offensive behavior. We hope the offender seeks forgiveness after confessing contriteness to the offended. But in a majority of cases, the offender doesn’t see or care about the impact of their offensive behavior. This is the side of forgiveness Jesus was talking about. This is the spiritual dimension that truly defines our character by our response.
Will the offended grant forgiveness to the offender? What if the offender never seeks forgiveness, will the offended still grant forgiveness to the offender? As Paul said in Colossians 3:13, “Forgive one another as God has forgiven you.” Do you believe God will forgive you, if you never forgive someone else for offending you? How long will you carry that heavy burden of unforgiveness?
As Jesus said in Luke 23:34, while looking down from the cross, “Forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” The Roman soldiers were following orders to execute a convicted criminal by Roman law and practice. They did not know the man they nailed to the cross was the Son of God. Nevertheless, Jesus sought forgiveness from His Father for their sin. Jesus, as God and Man, suffered many other human cruelties that hurt him mentally, emotionally, and spiritually throughout his three years of public ministry before being crucified. He too experienced the truly human side of existence in this world.
These other two sides of forgiveness lead to the spiritual dimension that is by far the most important, but mostly hidden, aspect of the forgiveness process. Yes, sinful acts that we commit, as well as sinful acts committed upon us, will leave an emotional wound to our hearts. The question for each of us is whether we will allow that wound to heal or keep picking at the scab until it leaves a scar. Physical or emotional wounds have to heal from within before the healing process reaches the surface, the scab falls off, and no scar is present. To heal the emotional wound, we must seek God’s mercy, forgiveness, and healing ointment of love to become truly healed for both the offender and the offended, regardless of how long it takes.
Key to this spiritual aspect is accepting the forgiveness in our hearts and souls once the act of contrition is made, repentance is initiated, and forgiveness is requested. It is absolutely essential that you put that sin away by forgiving yourself as well. Once you have sought that forgiveness from God, belief that you have received it. Our brokenness can only be fully healed by God through His mercy and love that mends the pieces and makes us whole again. God’s method is analogous to the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi for using gold to join together pieces of a broken pottery. The practice makes the pieces whole again and used to honor its ability to embrace human flaws. God makes us whole again in mind, heart, and soul when He bestows His love and mercy from our repentance to mend our brokenness. We can do likewise for others by forgiving them regardless of their desire for reconciliation, repentance, and forgiveness from us. We have to let it go and give it to God. Only then can we be truly free from our burdens and enjoy a peaceful life.
Once and for all, be forgiven, forgive others, then forgive yourself and move on so you can enjoy the fruitfulness of God’s love. That is the ebb and flow of life. Life in this world is hard and complicated. Jesus said that following Him would not be without distress, challenges, and even persecution. Our only assurance is that God will be with us through it all until we reach our final destination – eternal life with Him in heaven.
Remember the three facets of forgiveness this Lent and Easter season to fully comprehend what God and His Son Jesus did for all of us. Let us honor God and the sacrifice Jesus made for us by forgiving others as God has forgiven us. On Easter Sunday, we should all be shouting, “I AM FORGIVEN”, to each other and to God for His everlasting mercy paid for by His Son’s death and resurrection. Glory Be to God forever and ever. Halleluiah.
Live, Learn, Love and Grow in Jesus!!
Blessings,
Jerry
